Gaffer--from under the moon backstage

When techies meet dreamers and procreate. I am me, the ultimate in theater and fantasy. Ta da.



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Acting, dancing, boys, movies, computer games, the internet, musicals, Scarleteen, music, the violin, my friends, insanity, techno, aimster, napster before it died, art.

Mean people, people who think techies and actors can't coexist peacefully, realistic fiction, scary movies, badly made movies, anything without a plot, myself, country music (except for nickel creek), mirrors, ennui, ignorance, stupidity.


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Wednesday, June 20, 2001

Did I mention, I got my report card--high honors for me. I didn't have time to study for the Bio exam (it was right after the English exam which I was all stressed out about, and on which I got an A-, yay for me) so I just went in cold and still got a B-, whooohoooo! I don't know how I got high honors though, but I'm happy I did, it looks good on college stuff. It's late, I should go to bed now. I don't want to, I'll check ICQ and Scarleteen one more time.

I've become fascinated with Flash, but I don't have an editor so I gotta buy one or find a hacked one or something. I'm gonna see if the library has anything on it tomorrow when I'm volunteering. I found this really funny page of MIT's hacks (which are actually practical jokes) and some of them are hilarious okay, now I'm rambling. I'll put the link in later, just remind me too.

Oh, and this Friday I leave for Lac du Bois. I'm going to see Justine/Odette there again this year, and I might get to meet Miz Scarlet in person and a couple of others from Scarleteen. I'm very excited. Yay! Okay, I must try to go to sleep now.

Monday, June 18, 2001

Okay, now that I've cooled down from last night. Uhh, yes the LTC carwash. We made 98 dollars and fifty cents, we rock. I got a sunburn, because the sonic let us use their parking lot and I wore no sunscreen. I'm mad at the treasurer, he's mean. I'm worried about LTC elections. I'm sad I can't make it to movie night on this sunday evening. Okay, there.

Then, that afternoon I went over to Kristy's house, we watched Hackers (a decent movie, yay Angela Jolie and the cute guy in it). We played bunko and ate three kinds of pizza. And I got chocolate truffle ice cream--yum. Then the next morning, yesterday, we went swimming in her negative edge pool and I vacuumed the fountain so they would turn it on. I only put on a bit of sunscreen on my shoulders so now my back looks funny.

Ooooh wonderful, I just read something about a previous argument he had, well, apparently he enjoys publicity, which I'm giving him, but oh well.

THAT JERK! I hate ou2mame right now, he's not very nice--look at what he wrote!

"Yay, cutting. Its fun, reading message boards full of teenage girls who just can't handle their lives, so they thrust themselves into the pain filled, over-exaggerated, pathetic reality. Yeah, if you cut yourself to "relieve" pain, you have problems. The worst part is, these people know they have problems. How the hell could you not know, with scars running up and down your limbs. And with this knowledge comes responsibility. If you know what your problems are, you have no reason to not cure them. Unless of course you want to be fucked mentally, and if that's the case, the only issue you need to deal with is your lack of intelligence. Lobotomizing is one way to deal with it. I talk about this maybe once every three or four months, probably because I spend way too much time sifting through the nonsense spewed at teen message boards. Its amuses me to read the posts of people who live vicariously through themselves. So yeah. I'm now waiting for some scar-armed walking cliché to email me a line of "I need this to feel", a pathetic plagiarism of the ever so popular song Hurt, by Nine Inch Nails. Save your breathe for somebody who gives a shit. I don't understand, nor care to."

I cut, yes, for those negative two of you reading. I don't know, but I might just kill myself because of what he said. If I'm so fucked up mentally, perhaps it would be better for the world without me. I'm not okay right now, typing furiously. Listen to what I posted in the advocate lounge:

"Owch, something ou2mame just wrote really hurt. Here it is, a bit harsh and really very apathetic, er, at least, I see it as uncaring:

Cutting is such a teen, full of angst, cliche. Seriously, if you want to bleed, bleed. But why talk about it here. "I need to feel", thats complete nonsense. Stop pretending you have a chemical imbalance. If you actually had problems, you'd be doing instead of talking.

A)To put it bluntlyl, this made me want to kill myself. If it isn't enough that I am disappointed in my half-hearted suicide attempts somebody has to go and point out how weak and wimpy I am for not actually doing it.

B)I don't think this is a very encouraging thing to post, because, well, if I was affected by it so strongly, I think perhaps other people in a weird, nether-area, might make up their mind about life after reading that.

I know, it sounds silly but if my self esteem was so murdered, maybe other people's are too--and that makes me worry.
All these stupid what-ifs are running through my mind, and now I'm sad and lonely feeling. Did you know, it's raining in my head right now? It's all grey and blue and black and silver and umbrella-ish in there, and there are cobblestone streets with gutters and a luminescent moon and a navy sky. And a single, cold person, wondering why someone would feel the need to point out others' weakness or strength--however you want to look at staying alive."

Grrr. Such a beautifully depressing mindscape.

Remind me to talk about a carwash for the LTC and pizza at Kristy's later. Grrrr.


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